


Never Let Me Go

by Sugahyung



Category: Dan Howell - Fandom, Dan/Phil, Phan, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Depression, Happy Ending, M/M, blood mention, self harm mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 11:57:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13123248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugahyung/pseuds/Sugahyung
Summary: Hi!! So this story contains very heavy subject matter! It has a happy ending because I can’t stand to make anything really sad but it does get really really dark at points. Are there spelling errors? Probably. Do I care? No. This is kinda vaguely based around the song Never Let Me Go by Florence & The Machine because I love that song!!!





	Never Let Me Go

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! So this story contains very heavy subject matter! It has a happy ending because I can’t stand to make anything really sad but it does get really really dark at points. Are there spelling errors? Probably. Do I care? No. This is kinda vaguely based around the song Never Let Me Go by Florence & The Machine because I love that song!!!

He warned them 

They knew he would crack someday 

It felt like that's what they wanted. They wanted Dan to crack. They wanted to throw stones at him, those stones were words that cut deep. Those stones got bigger, eventually becoming huge rocks that cut even deeper into Dan's soul. Into his head. Every ounce of sanity all leaked out of him through the gashes he regularly forced onto his once perfect skin. 

But they would never take the blame

They would continuously throw boulders at Dan and then turn around and pretend it wasn't them. Eventually realizing that the guilt would weigh them down they would come and fake an apology. Trying to make things better by rubbing salt into his wounds. He convinced himself that these wounds were their fault, that this wasn't him. 

This couldn't be him.

He never imagined himself being like this. He never imagined becoming so comfortable with the colour red staining his skin. He never imagined himself becoming numb to the screaming and yelling in his head. 

Eventually Dan realized their words were not genuine. He came to realize his own words were not genuine. 

Nothing he spoke was genuine.

He couldn't tell anyone he was doing well and mean it. But he also couldn't tell anyone he was doing horribly and mean it. 

Dan was numb. 

His was emotionally numb and physically numb.

Until now.

It was 1am. Dan had finally cracked. Those boulders everyone had been throwing at him for so long finally cracked him. He took his bike, his eyes completely fogged with unjustified tears and he rode down to the beach.

The beach was a long ways away and of course there were beaches that were closer to him. But this beach was special to him. This beach is where he could remember the most happy memories from his childhood.

Dan was a child of the water. He loved the feeling of the hot sand soft under his toes. He loved the feeling of seaweed wrapping around his ankles, tickling his skin as he allowed the warm water envelope his body. Endless giggles pouring from his lips as ran around the beach shore with his family. All of them so happy. They were always happy. Dan always went home with terrible sunburns due to his unwillingness to apply sunscreen but the pain was always worth it. 

After his parents got divorced everything changed. Things changed because of him. This was all his fault. He has to remind himself of this fact on a daily basis. 

The beach was where he had made his first good friend, met his first love. Dan was 4 years old when they met. His name was Phil. Dan remembered so clearly. He remembered the freckles on his preciously delicate skin. His horribly cut hair. His beautiful blue eyes. Dan always loved Phil's eyes. They reminded him of the ocean. He always found comfort in the ocean and he always found comfort in Phil. The water was his home. And so was Phil. As they grew older they realized their love for each other. They realized that they built their own lives together. 

They were 15 when they realized it.

Dan was so happy when he finally got together with Phil. They had been together for 2 years. They had somehow masked such immense love from the outside world for 2 years, before they decided it was time to tell people. 

This hadn't gone down well with his parents. His parents had forced he and Phil apart from each other. They had immediately phoned Phil's parents and informed them of what the boys had so confidentially revealed to them. Phil's parents had come over and forced Phil back home. 

Dan's final view of Phil was of him with tears streaming down his face. His blue eyes sad. A storm brewing in behind them. His final touch with Phil had not been a gentle embrace, but instead a frantic grab at his arm, trying to hold onto him from the inevitability of their separation. His final words to Phil were not gentle 'I love you''s, but instead were curse words yelled at his parents and Phil's parents. A scream in declaration of his love for Phil. Phil's final words to him were 'I'm sorry'. 

Immediately afterward the house was filled with silence. Dan could hear every inch of his heart absolutely shatter in regret and vulnerability in the heart wrenching quiet. 

His breathing was heavy. Tears were streaming from his eyes. A look of pure betrayal and heartbreak showed obvious on his face. 

His parents stared at him but he couldn’t force himself to look at them as he focused on the final sounds of Phil’s depart. The car driving off into the distance before there was nothing left. 

When his eyes finally snapped over to look at his parents he expected anger and hatred written all over their faces. But instead he found sympathetic looks.

“Danny-“ his mother tried

“Don’t fucking call me that,” Dan’s voice shook as his body did. He could feel every bone rattle in his body with anger. 

“We’re just doing what’s best for you. We want you to find someone you love. A girl that you love, Daniel. That boy was no good for you. He was changing you into someone we don’t want you to be. He doesn’t matter anymore Dan. Don’t worry about him. He’s gone. You will never see him again,” his father had said.

Those final words were the first stone thrown at him. 

Soon after his parents began consistently fighting. He never got to talk to Phil anymore. Phil was his home. Phil was his safe space when his parents were screaming and yelling at each other. Phil would always talk to him over the phone, he would reassure him that things would be okay. But that reassurance was gone. 

Dan knew he wasn’t gonna be okay from that point. Phil’s parents had seemingly forced him to block Dan on every possible social media platform. They had changed their number and Phil’s number. Dan never saw him again. 

His parents had eventually gotten divorced. He was forced into the custody of his insane mother. She emotionally manipulated him. She yelled and screamed at him. She blamed him for everything. 

Not long after everything had happened, Dan fell into a deep depression. He knew he was worthless. He knew he had been so incredibly stupid that day. He knew he should have waited until he was 18 and he could move out and not have to worry about anything concerning his parents. But you can’t change the past. You can only take what you have in the present and conform it to how you want your future to be.

Dan didn’t have it in him to try anymore. He didn’t go to school. He barely ate. He barely slept. The sounds of that night were burned into his brain. 

That night had been years ago but it still hurt Dan to think about it. It burned him from the inside out. That was the only time Dan felt any real emotion anymore. It was when he felt this immense heartbreak and sadness at the thought of Phil. He was worried about Phil’s safety. He was worried Phil wasn’t okay. Dan was now 24 and he was still rendered sick from worry. 

He didn’t even know Phil anymore. It had been 8 years. They would be like strangers now. But Dan still loved him. He couldn’t find room in his shattered heart for anyone else. No one else was worth the effort, but for Phil he swore he would try to pick up every piece of his old and and dysfunctional broken heart and glue it back together. If it meant Phil would find safety in him again. If he could find a home in Dan’s heart once more.

Dan felt the sting of the cold 1am air on the fresh cuts on his arm. The pace that the air forced itself onto his scars burned, but he loved it. It meant that he could feel something. He yearned to feel something again. Anything. 

He brought his bike to an abrupt stop as he reached his destination. This is where he had built a home. And this is where he would destroy it. He wanted this home to destroy him. He wanted the peacefulness of the water to violently rip the air from his lungs and fill it instead with salt and liquid. He wanted the pressure of the deep ocean to drain his consciousness. He wanted to rest his head on the ocean floor and feel his soul descend to where it truly belonged. 

He got off of his bike and walked across the sand. It wasn’t like he remembered. He loved the hot feeling of the thick layer of soft sand underneath his toes. Instead now there was a thin layer of sand. It was cold and it was sharp due to the rocks hidden beneath it. But Dan simply smiled down at the small rocks as he stepped on them. They were so familiar now.

The sharp rocks made his feet bleed but he didn’t care. He made his way over to the water, each rock cutting a little deeper into his feet causing them to bleed. Dan didn’t care.

He saw the light of the moon reflecting off of the surface of the water. Another tear slowly creeped out of Dan’s burning eyes. The moon reminded him of Phil’s pure and unadulterated beauty. 

Dan took a step into the water. It was cold. Freezing really. He didn’t recall this being the home he remembered. He remembered this water being warm and inviting. But now it was cold and stinging to the cuts on his body. Dan supposed that as he had changed, so had this place. Nothing can ever stay the same. Nothing good lasts forever. 

Dan inhaled a shaky breath before taking another step into the water. It was violent in it’s movements, Dan took notice of that. The nighttime did crazy things to people and nature. The behaviour of this environment was almost mocking towards Dan’s feelings. 

He took another step. He was up to his knees now. He felt the intoxicating numbness he craved creep into his bones. 

He took more steps. Until eventually he was chest level. Each crashing wave felt one step closer to heaven for him. Each violent crash sent a peaceful numbness shivering through his body. 

This is what he wanted. This is what he craved. 

He was about to take one more step before he heard a voice.

Dan wasn’t facing whoever it was. But Dan froze in place. He recognized that smooth tone of voice. It had been so long but the richness and deepness of his voice had only been enhanced throughout the years. 

It was Phil

Dan couldn’t bring himself to turn around. He knew his motives right now. He knew Phil would never recognize him. The Dan he knew was a bit chubby, always had a smile on his face, had lit up brown eyes and a glow in his skin. Now Dan was thin from barely eating. Each faked smile hurt him physically. His brown eyes had been devoid of colour for years. Phil had stolen every ounce of colour out of his life when he was gone. Dan’s skin was pale from never leaving the house. Having an unhealthy tint to it as a physical reminder of his critically low health. 

Dan wouldn’t turn around. He wanted to see Phil again but he couldn’t risk the painful flashbacks. He couldn’t risk the thought of Phil being hurt the way he had been before. 

“Hey! Are you okay?” The voice called from the shore

Dan soaked up the sound of his voice. This was the home he knew. He felt the warmth creep back into his bones at the sound. He felt at home again. Like he could drown in that voice.

Of course it was Phil. Phil had always been one to be concerned about people and their well being. How could Dan have been so stupid as to have forgotten that Phil lived across from the beach. That was the reason his parents stopped bringing him here. In fear of meeting with Phil once more. 

Dan almost turned around. Phil voiced his concern once more towards Dan and Dan bathed in every syllable. 

But he didn’t belong here

He didn’t deserve this

After all these things he had done to himself in the years of Phil’s absence, he no longer was deserving of Phil’s love. 

This was his home. But he didn’t belong in it anymore.

Those final words hit Dan hard and he quickly took a few more steps forward until his feet could no longer touch the sand. 

He stared up at the wave hanging over his head with a smile as it finally crashed over his head and the pressure dragged him under.

This was where he belonged. 

-

Dan woke up. 

Why did he wake up? 

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

He was surrounded my white walls. Covered over with a white sheet. The familiar beeping sounds indicated his greatest fear.

He had survived. 

He closed his eyes again. Having not moved from the spot he was in. It was still dark out, he noticed. Had he really awoken so soon? Or had he been in that peaceful darkness so long that when he awoke the world was once more enveloped in the earths natural darkness? 

He prayed that if he kept his eyes closed long enough that maybe the darkness would swallow him once more. For good this time. But Dan knew this wasn’t the case.

As Dan moved his limbs he noticed a soft touch. Someone holding gently onto his hand. The hand was big, warm and comforting. 

It couldn’t be his mother. His mothers hands were wrinkled and frail. 

It couldn’t be his father. His fathers hands were so much rougher from years of work. 

He once more opened his eyes. He noticed the soft glimmer of the hospital lamp next to his bed. 

He looked over at the hand that was holding his. 

It was Phil’s.

Phil was fast asleep next to him. His hand holding gently on to Dan’s as his head rested in what looked to be a very uncomfortable position on the side of Dan’s bed. 

He was just as beautiful as Dan remembered. Maybe even more beautiful. He took notice to the fact that Phil’s hair was now dyed black. He took notice to the fact that Phil’s body was now much bigger and more filled out than it used to be. He looked amazing. He looked like warmth and comfort and everything Dan remembered him being.

A gasp escaped Dan’s lips, much louder than he had anticipated. He cringed at the noise. His breathing was loud and rough. Causing the gasp to sound more like an inhale before a bone rattling cough from an elder.

The sound had snapped Phil out of his slumber. His hair was slightly messed up. His eyes were red and tired. It looked like he has been crying. 

Dan almost felt tears welling up at the sight of him.

He wasn’t stupid enough not to know why Phil was here. He could take an educated guess that Phil had been the one to drag Dan’s lifeless body out of the water and call for help. 

Phil had saved Dan’s life.

“Dan?” Dan heard Phil’s voice say. His voice was deep and rough with exhaustion. 

Dan didn’t think he could love a sound more. 

Phil covered his mouth with his free hand as tears fell from his eyes and he broke down into sobs.

“I’m sorry,” Dan’s voice spoke. The first genuine words he had spoken in years. The only words he truly meant. He didn’t know what else to say. He was so used to apologizing for everything in his life. He owed Phil this apology at the very least.

“Don’t fucking do that again god please don’t fucking do that again I love you so much I still love you and I’ll always love you please never fucking do that again,” Phil’s voice rambled as he choked on sobs. 

Dan felt a violent flashback to that night Phil had been ripped from his arms with such violence. The words spoken were the opposite of how they were spoken in that situation.

In that situation Phil had been the one who apologized while Dan screamed out curses and declared his love for Phil.

This wasn’t right. This isn’t how Dan wanted to be. This isn’t how Phil deserved to feel.

“Phil,” Dan said softly, the name rolling off his lips so naturally 

Phil looked up at him, wiping his eyes. Phil’s eyes were swollen and bloodshot but Dan could still see the blue in them. The blue had been darkened by the glassy film of tears and sadness. They imitated the colour of the ocean that night. 

Dan didn’t know what to say. He had so much he wanted to say and so much that needed to be said. His voice was too rough and he was in too much pain to say much. 

“I love you,” Dan gripped tighter onto Phil’s hand. Words that hadn’t been spoken in years had finally found their proper place, instead of forever stabbing the bottom of his tongue, always urging him to scream it. 

Then Dan felt a warm embrace. Phil was hugging him. This is what Dan needed. What he had needed for so long.

“It’ll be okay sweetheart. I promise this will all blow over and you’ll be okay and you’ll be safe with me forever. I will never let you go,” more words that hadn’t been spoken in years. 

Those words had been used for comfort back when Dan’s parents used to fight all the time. Now they were used as a promise. 

Dan pushed Phil out of his embrace.

Phil looked taken aback and hurt by Dan’s sudden actions. Dan smiled up at him and did something that he hadn’t done in years. Since they were children.

“Pinky promise?” 

-

Dan and Phil were sat together on their sofa in their new home. The only unpacked things in this home currently were the sofa, the bed and of course the refrigerator.

But Dan had found his old journal and he and Phil were going through it.

Dan had written about Phil in it. He had written all of this stuff during the time he and Phil had been forced apart. They were recalling these memories. That night of reconnection had happened over 5 years ago now. 

Dan thought back to himself from so long ago. He had been so thin. So pale and unhealthy. His eyes were dull and lifeless. His skin was splattered with scars and stains of red he thought would never leave him alone. He thought he would be alone and emotionally numb until the day he died. Until the day he almost let himself die.

That was 5 years ago. Dan was healthy. His form was now just as filled out as Phil’s, he was eating regularly and was in good health. His skin had stolen back that beautiful natural glow. His eyes retained their life and happiness. His skin was now covered in tattoos that covered his scars.

Dan was with Phil now. Phil had promised to keep him safe forever and he had kept that promise. 

“Of course I was gonna keep my promise!” Phil said as he ran his gentle fingers through Dan’s hair, “you did make me pinky promise after all! And you know pinky promises can never be broken. And I promise you never will be again.” 

Phil always reassured Dan. Dan always told Phil he no longer required the reassurance, though it was a nice gesture. But Phil insisted on letting Dan know, so Dan didn’t fight him on it. Phil was so stubborn Dan would give up that fight so easily. 

Phil had taken up these past years by carefully picking up the broken pieces of Dan’s heart and secured them back into place. 

Dan had gone to therapy and had been put on medication that helped him in any aspect that Phil couldn’t.

Dan had always told himself that he didn’t deserve Phil but he now realized that they deserved each other. This wasn’t one sided. It wasn’t one deserved the other more. They both deserved each other equally and they knew it.

They looked at each other and found a home. Phil had rebuilt the home he once had in Dan on a more solid foundation. One that could never be broken. 

They were both 29 now, Phil just shy of 30 and they were married.

Dan had never imagined himself married to anyone except Phil, and he was glad he didn’t have to.

They got married on that beach.

That beach was where they had met, where their love had grown, and where old foundations were broken and new ones were secured into place.

Dan didn’t really speak to his parents anymore. They still were not accepting of his and Phil’s love, though Phil’s family had slowly become more loving and accepting of them, inviting Dan into their home and treating him as their son now. Which Dan was eternally grateful for.

Dan sometimes wished he still spoke with his family and he sat there considering attempting to reconnect with them when a loud cry snapped him from his thoughts.

“I’ll go check on her,” Phil said, patting Dan’s thigh as he got up to go check on their 1 year old daughter.

This was Dan’s family now. He didn’t need the toxicity that surrounded him in his previous life to drift over into this one. 

‘Family is not who you are attached to by blood. Family are the people that surround you that give you endless love and support no matter what,’ Dan reminded himself.

“I think she wants her other daddy,” Phil said as he entered back into the room with their daughter Tessa.

Tessa sniffles into Phil’s shirt but abruptly reached her small arms out in front of her, her brown eyes lighting up as she caught sight of Dan.

“Daddy-“ she spoke softly, grunting as she tried to wiggle out of Phil’s arms and into Dan’s.

“Alright cub, calm down, you can go see your daddy,” Phil said to Tessa as he handed her to Dan.

“Hello there cub,” Dan said as she clung onto him and snuggled into his chest. Her sniffles fading as she found comfort in Dan. 

Dan wrapped his arms around her and rubbed her back soothingly as she fell asleep.

Phil sat back down next to Dan. Picking up Dan’s old journal before tossing it into a box with other unpacked stuff. He carefully pulled Dan closer to him, allowing Dan to rest his head on Phil’s chest as Phil rested his head on Dan’s. 

“I love you so much bear,” Phil whispered into Dan’s hair as he kissed the top of his head, “you’ll be safe with me forever. I promise.”

Dan smiled, feeling his heart jump in his chest as he brought his free hand up slowly towards Phil.

“Pinky promise?”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!!  
> Please validate me on tumblr @boptacular.  
> That’s right. Shameless self promo.


End file.
